I hope that this means something. I hope it can help someone, and that it gives some perspective and light in a world that often seems overwhelmingly bleak.
I’ve been struggling lately. Not with depression exactly, but with the overwhelming sense of pain and suffering that I experience daily here on the border.
And I’ve noticed something.
Faced with the pain and the constant state of emergency and crisis, we sometimes don’t have a target for our grief and stress, and so we often turn our sights on each other. I do it. I’ve seen many other people here do it too.
Because the situation is always so stressful, and things keep getting worse, I sometimes find myself expressing my frustration and anger in unhelpful, and sometimes downright harmful, ways.
I turn against my wife, my children, my family, my friends, or anyone else who happens to be nearby.
After all, I feel safe with them. I feel like I can be myself. And sometimes myself is a real a-hole.
And I often say things that, while not exactly untrue, hurt those closest to me.
Especially my wife.
I recognize it’s not a healthy way to deal with stress. I realize that I have a responsibility to love those God has placed in my life first of all.
But it’s easy to forget.
What I’m trying to say is that there is a lot of unnecessary fighting and expression of anger that causes those of us who work in these situations to turn on each other, rather than uniting against those who are truly responsible for the ills of society.
For example, we’ve been dealing with one of the most stressful situations we’ve ever had to deal with in our work for the past week. In this situation, it seems that no matter what we do, someone vulnerable will end up being hurt.
Every choice is a wrong one.
And I feel powerless.
So I choose to take out my frustration and my anger and my desperation on the very ones who should be my safe place. Rachel and I spent much of the weekend and early part of this week arguing about our choices, arguing about what option hurts the least. Of course we didn’t really accomplish anything other than hurting each other.
I recognized this a couple days ago, and Rachel and I talked about it. We realized that we aren’t handling the frustration in a helpful way.
So yesterday we went for a lunch date. We turned off our phones and ate poke bowls with chopsticks at a local shopping center. We tried to talk about anything besides work and stress.
We weren’t completely successful, of course, but we went some way toward remembering the humanity in each other and that we are both on the same side. It’s the circumstances that are deserving of our anger.
Not each other.
I’d like to promise that I’ll do better next time, that I won’t let this happen again, and that my reaction will be healthier.
But I know it’s a lie.
But if I can do a little better, recognize what I’m doing before I hurt someone too badly, understand that my wife is there to support me, that she’s on my side, then maybe little by little, I’ll learn how to react to the intense situations in a healthier way.
And therapy helps too.
I’m mostly writing this for myself, but I want those reading it to understand that I see you. Sometimes life is just too much. Sometimes our struggles are too much to bear. Sometimes every choice is the wrong one.
But you aren’t alone, and you don’t have to fight alone.
Turn your anger and wrath on the systems that make these choices necessary, not on those by your side.
The situation is temporary, but the love and support of your community are lifelong. Lean on each other.
And I’ll try to be a better father and husband.
I hope you are able to take something from this, even if it’s understanding that everyone deals with difficult moments and everyone hurts the ones they love sometimes.
God bless you and grant you peace.
Coffee & Theology 